on top of being extremely careful about who you trust, i think you also need to be extremely conscious of who trusts you- with what, to what degree, and on what basis.

- self realization of the day -

i just made a $60,000 mistake.

i think i am confusing apathy with peace of mind.

i dont think yt has any clue that i have been overloaded at work, despite the fact that i think i have been complaining non-stop for awhile.
i dont care about money.
it’s not a question about money.
if it were, i would have left ssg a long time ago.
it’s a question of my time, what its doing to my own life and the way i am “learning”.
i dont know how to walk away from this.
i feel like im living the dream position and yet i feel like im in a living hell.
im irritated by the fact that this has all of a sudden become my problem.
the fact that the project is lagging is my fault.
the fact that the girls aren’t performing, is a reflection of my own management skills.

my question through all this, what was he expecting by trusting someone who has never dealt with this kind of crap before?
he can’t mention things like, why wasn’t the gwb built up to the underside of the structure in the washroom project to me, when i didn’t even do the schedule for that project, even though i was ultimately put in charge of it (does this make ANY sense?).

what kind of burden is this to place on someone so green.
it’s not fair, i think, to me, to have these kinds of expectations.
how the hell was i supposed to know what i was getting into.
i never ever marketed myself as being this end all be all awesome technical superstar.
i said i never had a single wall section in my thesis and that i dont know much about systems integration.
if anything, i talked more about why i thought architecture might not be for me.
do the drawings, send this out, make sure this gets coordinated, follow up on this, make sure the drawings make sense, find the specs, design the gym, answer calls, think about the construction of all partitions, make sure the details match the structural, the list literally goes on and on and on.
is it an inhuman amount of work or am i just slow?
if i’m slow, why is he torturing me by keeping me on board?

at what expense am i “learning”.
am i even enjoying any of it?
today yt was joking about how i only have one friend and how that it’s a shock because it doesn’t seem like i would be that person’s friend because i am an opinionated diva.
i was just like ‘woah, hey’ and sat there stunned.
he can’t say stuff like that to me and expect me not to think twice.
does this man know all of my friends are telling me to quit?
does he understand that i try not to go out for dinner with k because every time i come two steps away from quitting ssg?
i can’t talk to any of my friends because they have dream jobs where they get paid vacations and benefits, there’s a reason i dont need to hear their stories and why i’ve isolated myself.
i haven’t had more than a working day off.
i dont even skimp out unless i’m either sick or ravaged with poison ivy.
even that poison ivy crap, hellooooo wake up call, emma’s human.
i haven’t seen people or gone out to do things in the past two months because ive been friggin swamped and i have chosen work over life on more than one occasion – something i think we all knew i’d do, but i’m not sure i ever considered the consequences of making such poor decisions.

my circuits are fried.
they are fried fried fried.
i dont want to make design decisions anymroe because i dont even think i can design anymore.
i dont want to do structural sections because i think they’re going to be wrong.
i dont want to takl to the mech elec engineer because he’s just going to get pissed with me for things that i seem to have overlooked that no one warned me to look out for.

im being asked to stand tall and straight in the middle of a tornado and there is nothing there to protect me at all.
like stevie wonder trying to bicycle through an extremely busy intersection.

it’s ridiculously disappointing because on one hand you want to do everything but on the other hand, if you’re knocked down almost every time you do something, you really have to question whether or not something is right for you.

i definately feel extremely isolated and i dont think anyone really understands what kind of pressure this crap entails.
every day i barely make it out of bed because i feel like there’s an elephant sitting on my back and a lion is twiddling its claws in my guts.

i need to think about what kind of life this is, what kind of life i want to have, and what my priorities should be.
obviously something is not fitting because i am drained both mentally and physically and there’s no stop to any of this crap even if i just bite the bullet.

i said it since the summer time.
i dont think it’s a good idea to have two part timers and only one full timer handling everything.
it’s not fair that i have to stay later to clean up sections that some jackass just threw together with imaginary numbers.
it’s a hell of a lot of work and for me to be expected to clean that up, then update the wall sections, then do the details, then clean up the exterior elevations and then revised the finish schedules and then coordinate with structural and mechanical + electrical and then be expected to run a bunch of other projects on the side and have presentable items for those too, ——— is that not a bit much for one person who hasn’t been out on the field for even a year?
is that not a bit much for one person?

i’m pissed.
i’m pissed i’ve been taken advantage of and i’m pissed at the people who have been taking advantage of me.

take away the friggin associate title, it means nothing.
keep your money, i dont want a raise.

i just want to crawl into a hole and disappear completely and not have to think about anything for once.

whhhhhhhhhhy did i do this to myself.

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

that.is.all.

sink or swim

i feel like i’ve jumped into and have drowned myself in some lake, and now my dead body is floating- with my face down into the water.
my entire body is numb because i’m dead but i can still see where i floated up from.
i feel very uneasy about everything and think an escape to trenton will be good to rebalance my mind.
i have monday off, but not so much anymore.
we’ve landed a big contract with york and it’s major go-time.
i have to be back to oversee some minions render, i’m not sure what my purpose will be there, but i think he just needs mental insurance that things are being taken care of.
we got our business cards today and the alignment is off.
slightly irritated but its good enough.

the big picture.

you know what, im learning.
im learning things i would otherwise, have no way of learning.
i should be grateful for the drama and the overlap.
the tiredness and the stress.
ultimately its just going to make me a bigger archimonster later on and i should be grateful that yt’s investing his time and energy in me.
it’s not productive to get overwhelmed and i definately get that now.
i can’t believe myself sometimes.

jesus christ.

i think i might actually be ’suffering’ at work.
definately definately overwhelmed.
im sick and tired of taking shit for shit that i dont have control over.
there’s a lot that i dont know and i dont feel comfortable being so depended upon.
what are the options right now?

im going to bite the bullet and get this done, and done right but like i mean, i never marketed myself as someone who knows systems integration or as someone who’s managed a project with exteriors.
i said i never had a wall section of my thesis, i said details are the reason i would leave architecture, i said we need someone who can cover my gaps and be my insurance not some temps who do shit work that i end up having to correct later on.
why do i feel like im being ignored and why is it that the other party is giving me the impression that i am at fault here?
if there’s anythign i’ve been doing right, it’s working hard.
and if my working hard isn’t enough than maybe there needs to be an intervention.
because im not going to make sacrifices on my end and take hits for shit that i don’t know and that no one told me to look out for.
the blind can’t lead the blind.

friggin they’ve changed the lights for the third time.
every time they change the lights, i have to source a new light, update the rcp, update the spec package and then break the news to the already pissed of electrical engineer who then has to do another set of calculations etc etc.
and then on the side i have another gagillion other things i need to do/think about and through all this, i’m not getting enough done?

the problem is NOT me, and if i seem like the problem, then both SSG and I need to re-evaluate whether or not im a team member worth keeping around.

i’m doing the best that i can, given the circumstances and if that is not enough, then TELL ME that is not enough and let’s evaluate the situation.

im ripping off the bandaid today, this is the last friggin straw.

i want to crawl into a hole and get covered with lots of dirt so that no one can find me for awhile.

manny called me today to schedule ‘the final inspection’ before…. leaving the house??
what in the world is he talking about. we’re going to get nailed for not removing that furniture.
he left a voicemail.. im going to ignore him for another couple days.

i haaaaaaaaaate peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.