manny called me today to schedule ‘the final inspection’ before…. leaving the house??
what in the world is he talking about. we’re going to get nailed for not removing that furniture.
he left a voicemail.. im going to ignore him for another couple days.

i haaaaaaaaaate peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

new favourite = QUIZNOS BEEF AND SWISS MELT

beef + swiss cheese + toasted sesame garlic bread bun + parmesan alfredo sauce (same one on chicken carbonera) + sauteed mushrooms

MMM MMM GOOOD

ITS THE WEEKEND IN T-MINUS 7 HOURS.
YEEEEEEEEEHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!

im going to kill somebody today.

sometimes i think the people i have to deal with through work, ignore me or dont take my instructions seriously because they know i am a young inexperienced female in the construction industry – which i am.
sometimes its discouraging and other times it just makes me mad and want to be better.
today it’s discouraging.

so i’ve been thinking quite a bit about what im going to be about in the future and the more i think about it, the more i think i wasn’t suited for architecture.
i can’t be this flip floppy about something i want to base my entire CAREER on.
one day it’s awesome and i wish the day just didn’t end, the next day, it’s like someone has tied one of my feet using a scrappy rope and is driving on the 401 at 200km/h.
it’s ridiculous how roller coaster-y these days have been.
i think i need to find balance somehow.
sometimes i think i’d be happier at starbucks.
barely any responsibility, if you make a mistake, it’s forgotten in two minutes.
i feel like in every project i do in the office, it’s like im painting myself into the corner of the room, very shoddily.
it’s like, you keep painting because you know it has to get painted but then you back yourself into the corner and then people come in to check the paint job.
they see your mistakes, you see your mistakes, but your hands are tied because youre in the corner.
and you stay there, until the paint dries and you can leave the room or.. in my case, do a double, sometimes triple coat.
what is the solution to this?
i’ve been trying not to make mistakes but i keep making mistakes and i dont feel comfortable coaching other people to do stuff for me, when i dont even know what i am doing.
i dont know what i was expecting for myself for right now.
i think i just panicked about the future so i just jumped right onto the work wagon.
but the fact of the matter is that i made a commitment and i need to honor it because i’m being depended upon.
it’s just depressing because i dont know if i enjoy it anymore.
i feel its most similar to when i worked at timothy’s.
i was getting trained in this industry, had no idea what i was doing- sort of had a general idea, but i had no idea how much detail it actually required.
but to everyone on the outside – the customers and even sometimes the employer, you have to pretend everything’s all good.
i dont want yt to be paranoid when he travels.
it reminds me of when we have crappy helpers and omma and abba need to call the store to confirm they’re doing things right.
i didn’t make fun of all those helpers and give them hard times, just to become one myself.
so you know, you suck it up and move on, but each time you make a mistake and or notice something you’ve missed, it’s like someone has put a ten pound weight on your shoulders.

tomorrow, i am going to be a professional.
even if i think i am being fake, i’m going to do it and i will do it well and i will produce and manage and just insure yt that things are good and that things will be good and that i am going to keep my word.

Ha.

there is a website called ‘futureme.org’ + basically you can send emails to yourself or someone else anonymously for the day of, or sometime in the future.

I think i sent this to myself a few days before my thesis midterm presentation.
It’s a year late… most likely because I messed up the input when I was sending it…

But I still think it’s funny because it’s weird how you’ll talk to yourself a certain way in the present but when given the opportunity to write to yourself in the future, it’s a lot different.

ya know ya know.

didn’t quit.
still scraping by.
must keep it together.
ingy, you should just snap at them.
it might seem like snapping to you, but they’d probably love the extra attention, especially the haggard vj.
also, delete all the K/J/C Pop from your computer.
i think you’re being overly saturated.
i can not join you to florida.
it would be great and all but i have to sacrifice life for work.
i feel like this week has been going on forever.
blondie woke me up today.
he actually started meowing at the time i normally wake up to rush to work.
his face was right in my face and he meowed over and over until i got up.
i dont think it’s because he didn’t have food cause i had given him some b4 goign to sleep so i dont know what to say.

i’ve got lots of things i have to work on today.
GTG

i am most likely going to quit my job today.

sunday

i have had an interesting weekend this week i think.
friday gemma and i went to eglinton to watch coraline in 3d.
it was okay, they couldve made the story line a lot better.
i suppose everything can always be better, after the fact, though.
then on saturday, i went shopping with gemma during the late afternoon then to joe’s art installation at the gladstone.
it was interesting too.
they took the entire glastone and opened up every room and every artist/company installed an installation in each room.
and and and.

here’s a terrible picture of ana sitting on the bench in the room.
all the woodwork was done by studio junction.
then after that we went to velvet underground, which BTW, i will probably never go to again.
i have never seen such a weird collection of people or have listened to such a weird mix of music.
one second it’s sean paul, the next second it’s ac/dc.
doesn’t make any sense.
then today, sunday, i woke up and went to dim sum with joe megan elise and aiden.
it was good but it made me feel sick at the same time.
most likely because i was really bloody hungover.
then two hours after dimsum finished, i went to ‘la palette’ in kensington market.
it was pretty delicious french food man.
i like licked the bowl clean basically.
i like going to restaurants and coming out genuinely satisfied.
that’s really how any dining experience should be, really.
so yes, dinner with k and rosa.
which was fun.
it’s always interesting to catch up with people and see how they’ve changed and whatnot.
one side note about the dinner though, rosa mentioned she overhead one of my co workers talking about me.
and basically the girl said i didn’t know my cad because i challenged her in saying it was an imperial lineweight and not metric and therefore, the scale of the dashing is wrong – this would take too long to explain so just assume it is what you think it is cause im not going to explain it.
she actually said, i didn’t know my cad.
there are many things which bother me about such a statement and i almost want to confront her about it but i know that would not be the professional mature thing to do.
it makes me sad that someone would think that way about someone who initially only had good intentions for them.
when i am lecturing her about lineweights, its so that HER drawings get better, not mine.
i think i have actually been personally offended by her now.
it bothers me a lot that she’s talking about this to people outside of work because it reflects negatively on my performance.
when they screw up in the office, i take the hit for it.
then when i try to coach them to get better, they start claiming i dont know my cad?
seriously, who does this girl think she is.
i don’t ever want to work with people who don’t think i’m someone they want to work with.
i can genuinely say, i am too good for that.
i am going to talk to yt tomorrow.
about this issue which has come up this evening, and also this email he sent through friday:

Hi:
 
Our insurer now requires that we ask for 3 things from all of our consulting engineers:
 
1.  Proof of professional liability insurance
2.  That you will provide us with 60-day prior written notice of cancellation/modification of insurance coverage
3.  Proof of renewal of coverage of your professional liability insurance
 
Can you provide us with an answer to each of the above (including the proper documents where applicable)?  I know this is a little bothersome, but risk management is one of the things our insurer wants us to pay attention to (and a good idea as well so that we all keep our fees off the hands of lawyers). 
 
If it is any comfort, architects are routinely asked to provide the same information to our clients.
 
Regards
 

i’ve researched what that insurance is for and it’s to protect the company in the event that you screw up as a consulting engineer.
ya.. it makes me really paranoid about why he’s asking for this right now cause it’s as though he thinks im going to cost the company money and it’s really offending.
i’m not sure i understand why he thinks he needs to ask for this, which is what i’m basically going to ask tomorrow.
i dont think im underperforming because i think it’s impossible for me to underperform.
pretty much, anything he’s told me to do, i’ve done it, other than the wall sections recently, but there were reasons for that.
seriously, with the amount of crap i have to juggle on the daily basis, he’s lucky he even got any print outs from me.
i dont want to blog anymore for tonight.
i’m getting angry.

headache.

i have been having one of those weeks where i think i made the wrong decision by signing on with SSG.
i can’t tell if i am being spread too thin or if i’m not working hard enough.
there’s a lot that i dont know that i think maybe yt thinks i know.
whatever.

one time