AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

that.is.all.

sink or swim

i feel like i’ve jumped into and have drowned myself in some lake, and now my dead body is floating- with my face down into the water.
my entire body is numb because i’m dead but i can still see where i floated up from.
i feel very uneasy about everything and think an escape to trenton will be good to rebalance my mind.
i have monday off, but not so much anymore.
we’ve landed a big contract with york and it’s major go-time.
i have to be back to oversee some minions render, i’m not sure what my purpose will be there, but i think he just needs mental insurance that things are being taken care of.
we got our business cards today and the alignment is off.
slightly irritated but its good enough.

the big picture.

you know what, im learning.
im learning things i would otherwise, have no way of learning.
i should be grateful for the drama and the overlap.
the tiredness and the stress.
ultimately its just going to make me a bigger archimonster later on and i should be grateful that yt’s investing his time and energy in me.
it’s not productive to get overwhelmed and i definately get that now.
i can’t believe myself sometimes.

jesus christ.

i think i might actually be ’suffering’ at work.
definately definately overwhelmed.
im sick and tired of taking shit for shit that i dont have control over.
there’s a lot that i dont know and i dont feel comfortable being so depended upon.
what are the options right now?

im going to bite the bullet and get this done, and done right but like i mean, i never marketed myself as someone who knows systems integration or as someone who’s managed a project with exteriors.
i said i never had a wall section of my thesis, i said details are the reason i would leave architecture, i said we need someone who can cover my gaps and be my insurance not some temps who do shit work that i end up having to correct later on.
why do i feel like im being ignored and why is it that the other party is giving me the impression that i am at fault here?
if there’s anythign i’ve been doing right, it’s working hard.
and if my working hard isn’t enough than maybe there needs to be an intervention.
because im not going to make sacrifices on my end and take hits for shit that i don’t know and that no one told me to look out for.
the blind can’t lead the blind.

friggin they’ve changed the lights for the third time.
every time they change the lights, i have to source a new light, update the rcp, update the spec package and then break the news to the already pissed of electrical engineer who then has to do another set of calculations etc etc.
and then on the side i have another gagillion other things i need to do/think about and through all this, i’m not getting enough done?

the problem is NOT me, and if i seem like the problem, then both SSG and I need to re-evaluate whether or not im a team member worth keeping around.

i’m doing the best that i can, given the circumstances and if that is not enough, then TELL ME that is not enough and let’s evaluate the situation.

im ripping off the bandaid today, this is the last friggin straw.

i want to crawl into a hole and get covered with lots of dirt so that no one can find me for awhile.