shit.
January 26, 2010
I give up.
2010
January 16, 2010
I feel numb.
Previously when things weren’t right, I would get mad or sad about it. If I didn’t get something done, I would panic.
But for awhile now, I just haven’t felt anything.
It’s weird.
If I didn’t know any better, I might even say I genuinely just don’t care.
I’m alive but.. I’m not living.
It’s an extremely strange existance.
on top of being extremely careful about who you trust, i think you also need to be extremely conscious of who trusts you- with what, to what degree, and on what basis.
i want to crawl into a hole and get covered with lots of dirt so that no one can find me for awhile.
new favourite = QUIZNOS BEEF AND SWISS MELT
beef + swiss cheese + toasted sesame garlic bread bun + parmesan alfredo sauce (same one on chicken carbonera) + sauteed mushrooms
MMM MMM GOOOD
im going to kill somebody today.
February 18, 2009
sometimes i think the people i have to deal with through work, ignore me or dont take my instructions seriously because they know i am a young inexperienced female in the construction industry – which i am.
sometimes its discouraging and other times it just makes me mad and want to be better.
today it’s discouraging.
so i’ve been thinking quite a bit about what im going to be about in the future and the more i think about it, the more i think i wasn’t suited for architecture.
i can’t be this flip floppy about something i want to base my entire CAREER on.
one day it’s awesome and i wish the day just didn’t end, the next day, it’s like someone has tied one of my feet using a scrappy rope and is driving on the 401 at 200km/h.
it’s ridiculous how roller coaster-y these days have been.
i think i need to find balance somehow.
sometimes i think i’d be happier at starbucks.
barely any responsibility, if you make a mistake, it’s forgotten in two minutes.
i feel like in every project i do in the office, it’s like im painting myself into the corner of the room, very shoddily.
it’s like, you keep painting because you know it has to get painted but then you back yourself into the corner and then people come in to check the paint job.
they see your mistakes, you see your mistakes, but your hands are tied because youre in the corner.
and you stay there, until the paint dries and you can leave the room or.. in my case, do a double, sometimes triple coat.
what is the solution to this?
i’ve been trying not to make mistakes but i keep making mistakes and i dont feel comfortable coaching other people to do stuff for me, when i dont even know what i am doing.
i dont know what i was expecting for myself for right now.
i think i just panicked about the future so i just jumped right onto the work wagon.
but the fact of the matter is that i made a commitment and i need to honor it because i’m being depended upon.
it’s just depressing because i dont know if i enjoy it anymore.
i feel its most similar to when i worked at timothy’s.
i was getting trained in this industry, had no idea what i was doing- sort of had a general idea, but i had no idea how much detail it actually required.
but to everyone on the outside – the customers and even sometimes the employer, you have to pretend everything’s all good.
i dont want yt to be paranoid when he travels.
it reminds me of when we have crappy helpers and omma and abba need to call the store to confirm they’re doing things right.
i didn’t make fun of all those helpers and give them hard times, just to become one myself.
so you know, you suck it up and move on, but each time you make a mistake and or notice something you’ve missed, it’s like someone has put a ten pound weight on your shoulders.
tomorrow, i am going to be a professional.
even if i think i am being fake, i’m going to do it and i will do it well and i will produce and manage and just insure yt that things are good and that things will be good and that i am going to keep my word.
Ha.
February 13, 2009
there is a website called ‘futureme.org’ + basically you can send emails to yourself or someone else anonymously for the day of, or sometime in the future.
I think i sent this to myself a few days before my thesis midterm presentation.
It’s a year late… most likely because I messed up the input when I was sending it…
But I still think it’s funny because it’s weird how you’ll talk to yourself a certain way in the present but when given the opportunity to write to yourself in the future, it’s a lot different.
ya know ya know.
